Mother is a Person too?!

One of my aunts dyed her hair and my cousin was rather displeased with it. “You don’t look like ‘Mom’ anymore”, was his complaint. When you become a ‘Mom’, do you stop being a person? At least in India, I believe that’s what you do. Perhaps it is different elsewhere – perhaps it isn’t; I have seen limited examples at this point.

Speaking for my demographic, I can safely say that mothers are pretty harshly judged for being un-mom-like. That includes – dressing a certain way, prioritizing work over family, prioritizing her social life over family. No, it doesn’t matter if she’s balancing it alright.

There’s a cute children’s joke that is often repeated and enjoyed:

A kid is asked what’s your Mother’s name?

And the kid replies: “Mom!”

It’s adorable when you’re a new Mom and reveling in that identity. But does this at some time become a case of the head that wears a crown? Nobody now remembers a time when you weren’t a Mom. Mothers all over assure me – that it’s never a problem, and maybe it isn’t. I’m not a mother – I do not know.

But I am a daughter. And I know where my perception of Mother falls short of treating her as a person.

I’ve never subscribed to the image of the ‘self-sacrificing’ Mom. No woman should do it and no child should expect it – is my firm opinion. But that said, motherhood – or more generally, parenthood – is not easy. And let’s face it – a thankless and all-consuming job. But Fathers get away better. Men deal with these things differently. Probably if something bothers a father-son duo, they grunt and walk away from it. And that’s that. Women are rather more exacting. Women are unforgiving. Every little girl aspires to be her Mother when she grows up. And when that little girl does become an adult and sees the clay feet of the idol she worships, she never forgives that woman for treason.

We are so used to see mothers as mothers, that the fact they could have personalities of their own is often a rude surprise. By that I do not mean the limited purview of Fashion and Social Life. Maybe Mom is talkative and that doesn’t sit well with your new friends. Do you change Mom? Do you change Friends? Do you accept that it will be the way it is? Is it terrible that this even bothers you? After all, Mom never questioned the way you turned out? She always thought and thinks you’re awesome! Best thing that happened to the world!

And what about being human? What about this God-like Mom persona eclipsing everything human about her? Maybe she’s a gossip… Maybe she’s too emotional (growing worse by the year) … Can I accept her human failings? Is she allowed that?

Maybe her life wasn’t all that she wanted. Just like me – she has some unfulfilled desires. Is she allowed to speak of that? Is she allowed to hold grudges? Do I have the patience for it in my many pursuits of the present?

Someday, if she is not strong enough to follow the lessons she taught me – can I see it as her second childhood? Can I indulge her? Take this one chance I have of pampering her?

It's not just words...

Glass ceilings exist, and so do men and women who champion for promising female employees. But is that it? I have always felt, there is something else, something different – that can be a Game Changer in how a woman sees herself in the Organization. But I was unable to put my finger on that elusive ‘something’.

In the Indian context, if you are a woman desirous of climbing up the corporate ladder, you receive one piece of advice repeatedly – ‘Prepare to fight’. It’s not even a bad piece of advice; quite practical and quite relevant. And yet – there had to be something else, something different – something that makes a change in ‘who you are’; not ‘what you do’. But I was never able to quite articulate what that was.

I looked expectantly at senior women managers to point out what that could be. While some were examples in themselves, and some provided ceiling smashing opportunities to women of caliber – that soft little detail eluded me. As a leader myself, I have tried to encourage girls to come forward... take up opportunities… and yet I felt I fell short of giving them the confidence they needed. Until I found it – one week ago – in South Africa.

An Onsite deployment brought me to a customer in South Africa; and the Manager happened to be a woman. In my informal induction while she explained the contribution she expected from me, she said, “I want you to feel empowered”.

6.simple.words.

And they gave me wings!

I’m sure many a Women Empowerment Forum has spoken something similar. But if a Women’s Forum tells me to feel empowered – that’s just good advice, right? They speak, I hear; we all go home! They’re not going to fight the good fight with me! But my manager – that’s a whole different story. When she tells me to do something – she commits to it as much as I do. She’s got my back! And that makes a world of difference – it gives conviction to words. That sentence is an action in itself.

When a Women’s Forum tells you to feel empowered – it feels like something selfish you are doing for yourself. Here’s an article that partly explains why! “Good girls are not demanding”, “Good girls adjust”, “Good girls are not opinionated” – and guess what – the learning becomes a part of one’s psyche! So that we think not twice but 4 times before asking for anything for ourselves. But here was my leader asking me to go right after what I need. It wasn’t ‘bother’ but a step forward in our collective effort.

She wanted me to ask what I wanted; to be vocal about my needs; that was an expectation of me! Which meant - this was a good thing! What a validation!

And when a female leader says this to you, you know there is an empathy that brings forward those words. Hearing those words finally makes me realize what I want to say to newer generations; this experience makes me see what I want to do.

Who is really on your side?

Before I begin, let me clarify – I am most definitely not in support of indiscriminate ‘feedback’ or brash outspokenness in the name of ‘Honesty’. I am a firm believer in 
"Satyam bruyat priyam bruyat, Na bruyat satyam apriyam;

Priyam ca nanrutam bruyat, Esha Dharmah sanatanah"

(Speak truth in such a way that it should be pleasing to others. Never speak truth, which is unpleasant to others. Never speak untruth, which might be pleasant. This is the path of eternal morality, sanatana dharma.) 

That said – it remains true that it takes wisdom to even interpret words and intentions correctly.

Have you seen Runaway Bride? If you have , do you recall the scene of the Luau, where all of Maggie’s friends make fun of her past ‘almost weddings’ and our friend Ike is the only one who stands by her. He rises and makes a sharp toast pointing her family’s unkindness; the audience is shamed, if only for a minute. And yet, Maggie loses her temper with Ike! Somehow, that isn’t surprising at all despite the obvious contradiction. It is odd that most people would gladly be at the receiving end of constant raillery and assume it to be in the spirit of ‘fun’. If instead, you tried to have a heart to heart with them and endeavored to make them see how they could keep from being a joke, they’d be much offended. Apparently, all the pointed jokes can be ignored because somehow they are not ‘real’. But in a sincere conversation, you’re making them see the ugly truth and urging them to do something about it. Nobody likes that! So, basically Richard Gere taking a stand in that scene made all of Maggie’s issues ‘real’.. because someone chose to see them and acknowledge them. Until that point she could just have laughed it off and assumed everyone forgot about it. I got thinking as I was recently Ike (though I’m sure I’ve been Maggie at some point).
Do you think you have been on either side?

The Intangibles

In my office, we had a couple of young folks join the Onsite team. These guys were ‘Enthu-cutlets’, as we call them in Pune. Plus, they were joining the ‘Onsite’ team, and if you are at all acquainted with the Indian IT industry, you will know what a big thing that is! They came over with a will to achieve and transform the project between the 2 of them! They were intelligent, but inexperienced – and started working unsustainable schedules. Being an Operations team, we always have something that needs to be done yesterday – so that worked well for me to meet the Team’s SLAs! However, we could see the dangers that lurked – burnout.. apathy.. I would often have 1:1 sessions with each of them and make them aware of things like ‘work-life balance; but to no avail. They were all set to do or die!

So, the long hours and working weekends continued. I could see the strain showing, but when asked to slow down, my trusty steeds would obstinately refuse. Until – something changed. One of the guys arranged for his wife to fly over and join him here. She arrived and things were never the same again! He was still sincere, still hard-working, but now, he realized the importance of ‘time-boxing’ his work. He knew he had someone waiting for him at home, and he needed to finish on time. He started organizing his meetings and his tasks much better. He ensured he was out of office by 5 latest. He started prioritizing which meetings were necessary and which questions could be answered on email. To my mind – he became a much more valuable and mature team member. To my mind – this was an actual ‘Productivity Boost’. But this was not something I achieved as a manager. This was something that was enabled by a completely intangible human factor – technically outside of my team. For this person - it was his family, as it is for most. I know of companies which leverage outside-hometown postings to drive longer work hours for employees. If you don’t have a family waiting at home, you would definitely continue to work.. at office or at home. After all, how many movies can you watch? Or Netflix? When you think of it, it is simple – but rather Machiavellian, I fear!

And then it made me wonder – what are the other intangibles that affect how a team / individual team members work? Tell me what comes to your mind!

Nothing to lose

A long while ago I wrote on chain reactions – wondering about how in the most busy times, we are usually at our best creativity. Please note I use the word ‘creativity’ and not ‘productivity’. :-) in a similar observation of the contrariness of how we function, I put to you – that we invest our best efforts at the initiation and end of every engagement. This thought does not spring from the logical assumption that we would naturally put our best foot forward at the initiation of a new project / relationship; neither does it stem from the guess that we end things well to leave a better aftertaste. More than anything, I feel at the initiation and culmination of things – we have nothing to lose!

Imagine this scenario – you have joined a brand new group for a social project. You arrive with no preset notions, because you are meeting a host of new people! In addition, you are uninhibited because there is no past performance you will be pitted against – this is a blank slate! Anyone who has had to bear the brunt of their own past success, will know this is not an easy weight to carry! It is almost easier to carry off failure – because again, nothing to lose! Sallying forth without an opinion on your part or your companions’, you are already prepared to give of your best. Think of all the picnics you had with friends of friends, the teams you joined as the only outsider… wasn’t it always more fun? Weren’t you almost always a completely different and more driven individual? If you’ve already accepted you can’t dance, you rule the floor just by moving the way your body likes! No performance pressure.

Similarly, when I move towards the end of any engagement, I find myself more eager to converse, more enthusiastic to share. And I feel certain, this is at least in part due to the fact that I lose the fear of messing up and living with it. All of a sudden I know – even if things don’t quite work out, we’re already moving towards the end. This is a completely upside-down way of thinking, but more often than not we function this way! I’ve lost count of how many friendships I’ve formed in the last few days of a course, project, vacay…

The fear of living up to an image is a great burden. We put it upon ourselves. If we could carry on with the same uninhibited way even after building a reputation for ourselves, perhaps we would be able to invest with the same frenzy throughout. If we could care more about who we are, than what we portray – we could fly free. If we could truly understand the transience of what we do, what it says about us, and how it fades – we could focus on the actual doing. Then again – easier said than done.

Pleasure is a Gift; Pain is a Treasure

Many have the power to gift you joy.

The power to cause pain is the privilege of few.

The Chosen.

Is it a wonder then -

That I prize it over everything you’ve ever given?

For something I will never use – it really is far too dear!

If it belonged to someone else in the past – even that is too much to bear!

Impossible to share.

Every pang of loss you feel for the dead, is a live stab in my heart.

The broken fragments of your past leave scratches on my being.

Ghosts may not be real; but they are evidence of what once lived.

I can exorcise the ghost, but who can wipe the lifetime?

Every living moment is shrouded by the memory of the dead.

For those who feel passion – every passion is exclusive.

It will always be all or nothing.

You may find this odd – unacceptable even.

But the sense of your longing incompletes my belonging.

Book List

Seems the latest epidemic on FB is the Top 10 Book List. As someone who made more friends in words by unmet people than in the real world of met people, I, for one, accept Books as my greatest influencers. Despite the quick lure, I swore to stay off this one because, a) If everyone's doing something, one has to not do it! :P and b) It just looked to gimmicky and advertise-y to me...

But then K had a different take, which was that these could actually be book reccos. And that got me thinking- why not take it a step further and turn it into an investigatory reflection on the books I have or have not like over the years. I recently wrote a post along similar lines, which was more in particular about one book - Sense of Ending by Julian Barnes – but maybe it could be taken a step ahead. Why not, I say! It does let me combine two of my deepest joys – lists and reflection! :P So, here goes my somewhat autobiographical book list. (I have tried to curb my enthusiasm to listing the 10 books / authors closest to my heart, so I have had to leave out quite a few - like Feynman who is an inspiration on what an ideal Life is… like 50 Shades of Grey is a lesson on what Love in non-fictional scenarios is not! :D)

1.       I spent most of my pre and early teens besotted with Holmes. So, I’d say I discovered my ideal man pretty early in life! :P That’s my personal connection; nothing need be said on the sheer genius of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle!

2.       The college years were largely consumed by Erle Stanley Gardner’s Perry Mason series. Although I enjoyed every thrilling adventure with Mason and Della Street, I’d strongly recommend young readers to read something meatier. But yes, if you ever find yourself slacking on your reading, this is a definite pick-me-up! J

3.       I wouldn’t say the years were a complete waste – I did discover Roald Dahl. This man gives new meaning to the genre of intrigue. When the ordinary is unhinged, it opens dark, chilling corridors more terrifying than any ghost or spirit. It is a deep disturbance that makes one a lifelong student of human nature! Or perhaps it is the other way around. Why don’t you read and tell me? I strongly recommend Lamb to the Slaughter as a short read to see how you take to him.
In a related aside, it came as large and late surprise to me that Dahl wrote for children as well! The gamut of this man's writing is mind-boggling.

4.       Then there was J K Rowling with the Potter Series. I refuse to accept that HP is a ‘Children’s’ Book Series. Everyone deserves a bit of Magic irrespective of age! Leaving the teens and entering into ‘adulthood’ is always a somewhat tough phase. It is a time when we’re trying to figure out too many things all at once – friends, the future, and ourselves! Harry took me flying high above the muddled muggle world; and a little perspective always helps! ;)

5.       There was a time I suspected, I would only ever enjoy the fast and funny – you see, my staple for a while was Jeffrey Archer and P. G. Wodehouse. P. G. Wodehouse continues to be the best stress-buster ever; the man is clear, mellow sunshine!

6.       But Ayn Rand rescued me. I believe Ayn Rand was a sharp turning point in my personality development. I did not completely understand Atlas Shrugged the first time I read it. But then I found Anthem – and that was my key! It was also what shaped most of my value system at that impressionable age; and I think I never did get out of that mould of thinking. Accept complete and unforgiving responsibility of oneself – for better or for worse. One other faith that emerged from Ayn Rand’s work was also this: that a woman could write serious books and become an influencer beyond her own Age. Books that touched political ideologies, economics, and the deepest understanding of the self!

7.       The other woman who cast a deep and lasting impression on my mind was fictional – Scarlett O’Hara! The woman is Steel – everything she encounters only adds to her strength! Moreover, in a world where we are constantly encouraged towards humility, it is a wonderful change to see a heroine who is vain, haughty, and proud of it!
Years later, when I re-read Gone with the Wind, it did make me wonder if it was anything more than a love story with the benefit of a complex background. I do believe it is more than that. Who doesn’t love Rhett Butler? :P But if I were to recommend the book, it’d be for the vivid descriptions that transport one from bountiful Tara, to the war, to the ravaged land in its aftermath; and the woman who stood tall through it all.

8.       Hummm... now that I make this list, I am beginning to realise my favourites feature way too many women! Jane Austen. Having read P&P, I immediately launched on a mission to devour every word ever written by her! Wherever I go, I know she will always have a place on my shelf. Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights (of course!), Daphne du Maurier’s Rebecca (sigh!)… And most recently – Night and Day. Virginia Woolf sees and depicts the independent woman so much ahead of her time, yet so convincingly, that she stands true even today.

9.       If you enjoy some off-beat reading, Mark Haddon’s Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time is for you! Here’s an example – ‘…it rained very hard. I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty.’ Do you find yourself smiling wistfully when you read that? J
It’s been a while since I read this one – but the impression lingers. Which reminds me - it’s up for a revision!

10.   While most books / Authors influence what we read next, Jerome K Jerome influenced how and what I wrote! Oddly, while I’ve enjoyed his side-splitting novels – Three Men in a Boat and Three Men on a Bummel, the influencers are his slimmer works, like: Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow, Second Thoughts of an Idle Fellow, Told after Supper, etc.

11.   I have exhausted my list of 10, but I can’t help but add this if we’re talking recommendations! I insist that every child should be introduced to Tintin and Asterix as soon as possible! The world can always use some more ‘Pun’! :P